|~~~~~~~~ THIS IS AN EMERGENCY ACTION NOTIFICATION: ~~~~~~~~|
This review is REALLY REALLY ULTRA NOT SAFE FOR WORK. It contains COMIC BOOBS, NAUGHTY WORDS and OTHER ASSORTED NOT SAFE FOR WORK THINGS. Therefore, if you are at work, your school, or your local insane asylum you should take emergency action and not read this.
|Original review author:||Lesbot|
|Webcomic name:||Las Lindas|
|Author:||"Chalo", "SoulKat" and "ID_Fox"|
|Start Date||6th September 2004|
|Genre||FURRY FANSERVICE EXTRRRRRRAVAGANZA|
|Defining Flaw||tits tits tits tits thighs tits big shiny tits tits boobs melons funbags bosoms BIG FURRY COW TITTIES|
|Things that are fucking terrible about this webcomic:||Unlikeable characters, boring story, constant fanservice, ugly art, pandering to the audience|
|Things that aren't terrible but could use improvement:||Uhh…|
|Summary:||Hey I hope you like big, bouncing, bulbous titties. Because you're about to see a lot of them.|
By this point everyone in the internet has realised that making a furry porn comic gets you lots of attention with minimum effort. After all, nobody's going to care how likeable your characters are or how interesting your story is as long as you've got a bunch of scantily-clad animal-ladies squeezing themselves into outfits so small their breasts actually begin to disobey gravity. Las Lindas could be considered one of the most perfect examples of this theory. With almost five years of comics under its belt, lots of boobs have come and gone, bounced and jiggled, hunged and floated. Yet we're still waiting for at least one slightly interesting character to show up.I know it's a harsh generalisation to assume that all furries over-sexualise everything to a disturbing degree. That's like assuming that anyone who has ever watched a japanese cartoon continuously stuffs pocky down their throat and wants to be like Naruto, whatever that entails. But shit like this really doesn't help defend the sane minority. "Oh boy, just what I always wanted! A comic about cartoon animals with big boobies, having sex and crying and wanting to get their own way all the time!"
Story and Plot
Our story begins on a sunny little farm in the country, where main character and anthropomorphic cow-woman Mora is struggling to keep mummy and daddy's old farm business blooming. If you're worried about forgetting Mora's face amongst the crowd of other big-titted animal people that are soon to arrive, don't worry; Mora is always instantly recognisable by her scowling face. That and even by this comic's standards Mora must have a spine of fucking steel to lift those gargantuan funbags on her chest. Anyway, Moora doesn't have any money to actually hire help around the farm, so she gets the bright idea to dress like a hooker and lure in an unsuspecting male. Thinking Moora is nothing but a harmless prostitute a man agrees to some hot cow sex, but is struck unconscious with a frying pan and made to work on the farm the next day.
That's right. Moora pretends to be a prostitute to lure a stranger to her house, then physically assaults them. Yet for some reason the cat man actually thinks he would be in the most trouble if she called the police. So, being the absolute thicko that he has been characterised as already, he sticks around to stop her getting them both him in trouble.
Unfortunately, would you believe it, her prostitution plan only brought about a man that has no experience of farm work! Disgusted by her captive's inability to do her bidding properly, Moora ventures back out into town in her usual tarty getup. She's mistaken for a prostitute (fancy that!) and some humans (??) try to rape her. Because, you know, cows with tits are totally what every human would go for. Anyway a much more muscular and impressive cow-man leaps to her rescue and she drags him to her pit of hell farm too, though he actually goes by choice.
Predictably Moora is a sucker for big muscley men that do lots of work and have no personality, so she decides to adhere to her own gender stereotype too and cooks him a lovely meal. When that fails to lure the man straight into her oversized bovine panties, Moora is determined she's going to have some sex and does so by throwing herself at a man so short compared to her that it's a wonder she doesn't accidentally crush him during the deed. His usefulness outlived, Moora throws out the nameless catboy like an old snotty tissue, which accidentally proves to the other guy what a bitch she is.
(The catboy does have a name, of course, like every other character; but buggered if I could recall it without checking the cast page by this point in the comic. I've always been bad with names, but this shit takes the cake; it's like the writer doesn't even want me to get attached to these guys. Fortunately it's a furry comic so if anyone asks I can just say "you know… the cat guy. The guy who's a cat. And has white hair.")
So she dresses up like a tart to lure men to her house, strikes them unconcious with kitchen implements, threatens them into working for her, uses people for sex then throws them away, and has a fucking temper-tantrum whenever people don't act how she wants them to. And this doesn't change.
Some other characters are introduced (covered further in the writing review), and there's some plot about the farm being dangerously close to bankruptcy. We're meant to care when the big muscley cow man mysteriously leaves and Moora has yet another tantrum. There's some arguments, some predictable back story, some whatever the fuck this is, but it's all so rushed that it doesn't feel properly connected, more like a jumble of things happening that make no fucking sense. There's plot further on, but by this point you'll most likely be so bored of Moora's whiny self-important bullshit (no pun intended) that you'll have stopped your attempt to read it. You're not really missing out on much either, fyi, since after the farming competition and all that magical drivel everyone basically just goes shopping and sits around whining about relationships forever. I had to read it all, so I could form a fair opinion, but you're okay. You can make a run for it.
Of course, making even less sense than the main plot are the bonus comics, a bunch of bouncing titfests where everyone loses their already very basic personality traits and just rubs their breasts together. Their enormous, shiny, rubbery breasts. Yeah, sure, there are some bonus comics that act as "backstories" for various characters, but don't worry; the titties (and ass) are still around. Hooray! Apparently "Learning Curves" is a particular favourite amongst fans, because everyone is in COLLEGE and has lots of SEX.
First of all; I have nothing against porn comics, even though they're not really my cup of tea. I can respect porn comics for being straightforward about what they are. They don't try to hide the fact that they're wank material, they just thrive on it. Some of them even have a great sense of humour.
But fanservice comics are like the cocktease sister of porn comics; strutting around in short-shorts and a beer-soaked babydoll tee while saying "teehee, don't hit on me boys! I have so much plot and character depth!" Las Lindas is exactly this, and for that it greatly suffers.
I consider the beginning of the downfall of the comic to be right here, in strip five. Now, I'm going to be nice and ignore all that sultry swanning-around naked in a steamy room (even cows gotta bathe I suppose), but those last three panels are just. Fucking. Creepy. Really, Moora? That's how your mind works, really? You're in a tough situation, so better just pull out the udders and get a big slobbering boy to do the work for you?
The first four comics, I actually quite like. It's a character working hard to try to keep the farm that her parents loved so much. It's practically heartwarming, her doing all the work herself. Maybe it could've been like Harvest Moon; clawing her way up from the bottom of the farm ladder, gradually gaining the trust and affection of the local villagers and eventually even finding love! Awww..
Oops no wait, this is Moora, and this is a fanservice comic. "Hey, I've got breasts! I bet some guy'll do all my work if I show 'em to him!" Right.
Art reviewFor a comic that centres almost entirely around a certain part of the female physique, the artist of Las Lindas really doesn't seem to know the first fucking thing about breasts. From day one of this abomination not a single character seems to think to wear a fucking bra, their enormous melons somehow staying afloat with sexy magic. Even if they were wearing support, it'd have to be made of fucking steel to keep these breasts in the positions that they find themselves in. Even the tiny fairy creatures constantly have their nipples sticking out in ridiculous positions.
I mean I'm not a prude or anything, I love a big pair o' tits as much as the next person. But seriously, if you're gonna focus on them that much at least make them look attached. Everyone looks like they've stapled helium baloons to their chest!
All of the characters, no matter what species, have the same lumpy anime face that far too many furry artists lazily resort to. Add this to their jiggly jelly anatomy (GOOD HEAVENS WHAT SHINY THIGHS) and really, there's no point at all to this comic being drawn with animals. Remove the little bits of face fluff and the enormous ears (moora = cow = bunny ears?) and tails and they're basically people anyway; not to mention the whole cows-milking-cows thing going on is just plain weird and awkward. Las Lindas seems like yet another case of "I would have drawn people but furry porn really rakes in the internet dollars".
The colouring isn't perfect either; it's bright, which is nice, and it's genuinely improved since the comic's beginning; but none of the cast - despite all being covered in fur - ever actually look furry. They're shaded so smooth that they all seem to be made out of… well, skin. Moora's fur-colour in particular is a good example. There's also the fact that sometimes character's breasts are given blushes or shine despite the fur. I guess the tits wouldn't look as squeezable if you actually shaded the fur though, huh. Guess it turned out pretty inconvenient, your characters being covered in fur.
I'm gonna get straight to it; Moora is a terrible main character. An unlikeable, horrible, bratty, tarty bitch from start to finish, she throws at least one tantrum in every plotline and never learns a single fucking thing without quickly forgetting it afterwards. I don't know if we're meant to be immediately attached to her for her enormous thighs or warm to her gradually as she bullies every other character, but either way this is god awful. Moora is mary-sue levels of likeability. She's an insufferable bitch living on a farm full of people she bullied and tantrumed into staying with her; characters who are constantly either terrified of her smacking them with her big meaty cow hands or hating her. Despite this we're apparently meant to consider this group of enemies ~super friends~
Every single male character that is introduced is either fucked by Moora, or has fucked her in the past. Really. Every single one. I'm not sure whether this is meant to make the guys look easy or make Moora look like the village cumbucket; it succeeds at both, really. (The only exception to this rule I've seen is the sheepdog character, who is so stereotypically camp that if you even said the word "vagina" around him he'd probably wring his hands and scream.) It's often pointed out that Moora goes through men like dinners (judging by her enormous thighs, that's quite a fucking rate) and even when she claims to WUV someone, still belittles them on a regular basis.
Moora's happy band of morons misfits are a pretty dull bunch generally-speaking, each conforming to a nice comfortable stereotype;
- Minos, the muscley cow-man, is on the same sort of mary-sue wavelength as Moora, though thankfully he doesn't talk as much. He's constantly wise, calm, sensitive, serene, and all those other things that a man SHOULD be when he is TENDING A GARDEN OF THAT DELICATE FLORAL BLOOM KNOWN AS.. WOMEN. The guy has all the personality of a brick wall but he has a big chest, so that makes him interesting or something.
- Miles, the cat-boy, is perverted and perverted and also he'd quite like to have some sex some time because can you believe it he is perverted. He also thinks the world should bow down to him because he's just SO AWESOME. And he's lead writer SoulKat's fursona, but SK adamantly denies this. That pretty much sums up the entire character.
- Taffy, the rabbit with pink hair, is described by the cast page as "young motherly maiden who takes great enjoyment in caring for others". That's bullshit-speak for "she's boring and prude but I bet if you convince her to shag you she's really kinky actually! Ohohoho!" She's there to appeal to the crowd who like their girls shy, compliant and in the kitchen. She broke up with her boyfriend because he insisted on having sex with her before she was ready and now she does the dishes and not much else.
- A couple of wandering catgirls also drop by at some point, one of which, namely Sarah, is introduced as an exciteable child; as per tradition with furry comics (see: Concession), it's only a couple of strips until the little girl is baring some ass and writhing around in panties for the audience's paedophilic amusement. No, I don't care if she's got tits, reader. She has clearly been introduced as a character with the mind of a simple child; wanting to fuck her is dirty and wrong. That counts for dressing her in the tart outfit too.
- I did warm a little to Rachael, the black cat girl, later in the story; like the villain-cow, she actually shows some character traits that aren't directly stereotypical. I wouldn't say she's developed enough for me to actually like her but there's potential there. Of course, she may just be pandering to the guys who like their women OOO FEISTY and I haven't noticed. That's very likely.
We are eventually introduced to the 'villain' of the story, Alejandra, who I think we're meant to hate when she points out to Moora that she's an obnoxious slag. Personally my first impression is to think she's quite refreshing. Someone pointing out that Moora shouldn't be getting her ginormous tits out in front of strangers? Preposterous! Moora's farm is saved at one point by some mysterious stranger and I assume this is meant to be a happy event, but really I feel kinda sorry for the villain chick. I mean, she's put actual fucking effort into her business, yet Moora gets away with riding along on the shoulders of under-age workers and men she lured in with her booty.The villain is meant to be unlikeable, but really all that's 'villainous' about her is her personal vendetta against Moora; something you can't really fault her for, considering Moora's ability to be a complete bitch and have everyone love her anyway. The 'bad guy' is the only character I've seen who seems to talk any fucking sense, and she's even a genuinely hard worker who has devoted her life to her buisness; but of course, she has a brain and doesn't dress like a whore so she's boring and we hate her! BOOO!!
Overall I find the writing in Las Lindas to be incredibly patronising, shallow and boring. Can you imagine this comic if Moora was a guy and the cat was a girl? It's classic Zig-Zag syndrome; the furry bitch gets away with it because she is in possession of two gravity-defying monster-breasts. Male characters are only there to obsess over the females, and god forbid any female character cover her fucking midriff at any point in time. Sweet jesus.
The villain, Alejandra, could possibly be considered an exception to the rule since she seems to have at least some personality and doesn't spend ten hours a day giggling and watching her breasts defy physics, but we're meant to dislike her so I'm guessing this isn't what the 'writer' intended for at all. In all honesty I may be bigging her up a little more than she deserves because it's nice to see someone that actually realises that they're in Moora's little world of marysue.
A temporary biography by The Luigiian.
It writes itself. The man's a furry artist that's put his work on every place you'd expect to find furry art, including Deviantart, VCL, FurAffinity and the like. Born March 27, 1976, Gonzalo Reyes, the El Salvadoran Salivator, the Mesoamerican Masturbator, and the Pan-American Armadillo, has (get this) an armadillo fursona. He goes by many aliases, including Chalodillo (duh), Gonzreye, and Chalosan (also duh). The Internet is coming up blank on his art and writing qualifications, so I'm going to take a wild guess and say self-taught. (I personally cannot stand the way he draws his see-through cellophane hair and completely absent noses, but I guess since it's ZOMG an art style u guyz I can't go after him on it. But I will when I get the chance.)
This mysterious Mesoamerican (my last nickname for the man, I swear) has a lot we don't know about him, but we can guess he isn't the most accomplished artist.
Other than his porno.
(Also by The Luigiian)
I skimmed through Las Lindas today to see what it was about. When you're skimming, all you're really seeing is the art, mixed up with a few phrases here and there.
What many people don't realize about comics is that their art can tell a reader a great deal of what he or she needs to know about a story. Peanuts was simple and silly, and so had a simple, silly art style. Little Nemo was fantastical, and its drawings were beautiful, weird, wild things. Batman was dark, sinister; and so its drawing was dark, sinister, ominous stuff.
What we see in Las Lindas is simple, smutty, oppressive sex. Every panel has cleavage. Every page has breasts. I saw nothing of interest, save for breasts, pantyshots, and clothing that appeared to stay on by magic alone (or in this case the small nanorobots developed by character Ambar, the "High Prime of Neo Earth.")
I wish I knew more about Neo Earth. What is its geography? What makes it different from our Earth? Why was there a need for a "New Earth"? Why are cow furries the primary characters of this planet, with humans few and far between?
Alas, I will never know the answers to these questions. From Page 5 onward - a page that Reyes acknowledges himself was where the comic became an unrealized homage to Omaha, the Cat Dancer - Chalosan threw away all the fascinating parts of the world he'd created, the possibilities of a strange and alien new version of our own Earth, and replaced them with balloon breasts and impossible curves.
How can we tell? Because that's all the art shows. There is nothing of interest to see here, besides those curves. And that's a damn shame.
- Las Lindas - Link for the comic, if you still dare…